Felicitations From Fairhope #19
29 February 2024
Hello there… Rodger French here.
Anne and I are marking the fourth anniversary of our retirement from the State Department and subsequent move to Fairhope, Alabama. It being a leap year, a Presidential election hellscape is upon us, so I've decided (rather than suffer in silence) to share a little background on how it’s going around here.
[Empathetic Sidebar – Many of you also live in hotbeds of political dumbassery, and I share your pain. But I also recognize and respect that overt political expression may not be what you signed up for when you somehow ended up on my postings email list. Be assured that I do not intend this to be a permanent state of affairs.]
With national elections slightly less than a typical "snowflake" pregnancy away, here’s a brief rundown of select Alabama elected officials.
Name, Title: Kay Ivey, Governor
Party: Republican
Job Description: Provide a typically folksy "Meemaw" avatar for typically cruel,
reactionary, and unnecessary legislation, all in the name of "Alabama values."
Running in 2024? Nah.
Actual Quote: “In Alabama, we're going to keep putting lead on target.”
Constituent Service: Carries a gun in her purse.
Name, Title: Tommy Tuberville, U.S. Coach Senator
Party: Republican
Job Description: Empty suit living in Florida, representing AL.
Running in 2024? Nope.
Actual Quote: "Our government wasn't set up for one group to have all three
branches of government - wasn't set up that way, you know, the House, he
Senate, and the Executive."
Constituent Service: Goober-brained obstruction that resulted in AL losing out on
hosting the U.S. Space Command, at a cost of "1,400 jobs and millions of dollars
of economic impact." Widely regarded as the stupidest member of the Senate,
bless his heart.
Name, Title: Katie Britt, U.S. Senator
Party: Republican
Job Description: Young religious zealot previously employed by retired "boll weevil
Democrat" Sen. Richard Shelby.
Running in 2024? Nay.
Actual quote: "Freedom of religion doesn't mean freedom from religion."
Constituent Service: Continuing the time-honored tradition of "bring home the
bacon" to a Red State utilizing tax revenue from Blue States. (AL receives app.
$2.00 from the Feds for every $1.00 it pays in taxes.)
Name, Title: Jerry Carl, Representative, AL-01
Party: Republican
Job Description: Election-denying White remora desperately attached to tRump's
orange ass.
Running in 2024? Oh, yes. Rep. Carl is in a very nasty primary battle with some
GOP yahoo who is - incredibly - worse.
Actual Quote: "I will always have Donald Trump's back."
Constituent Service: A series of questionnaires designed to bolster his MAGAty
worldview, a.k.a. "Alabama values."
[Parodic Disclaimer - What follows is an entirely accurate representation of Rep. Carl’s questionnaire format (created by AI or an unpaid intern) that pops up from time to time in my inbox. The content herein is my own, of course, and intended for the purpose of irony in the service of reality.]
Part 1: The most urgent existential threat facing America today is (choose one):
Uppity Women
Uppity Negros
Uppity Acronyms (BLM, CRT, DEI, LGBTQIA, WOKE)
Soros-financed Democrat Pizzerias
Immigrant Fentanyl Mules
Gun Control Nazis
Public Libraries
Part 2: America's best hope for the future is (choose one):
Seven Mountains Mandate
Seven Pillars of Putin's World
Seven Seas Commentary
Seven Dwarfs Storyboard
Seven Deadly Sins Memorandum
Seven Wonders of the World Brochure
Seventh Inning Stretch Invitation
Part 3: Questions (Yes or No)
1. Do you believe that Joe Biden still beats his wife? Yes No
2. Do you support a House Select Committee to investigate whether Joe Biden still beats his wife? Yes No
Yep, business as usual and always mindful of our Official State Motto: “Alabama - We dare defend our Whites.” Happy Leap Year.
Onward.
Rodger
